


No Extreme Measures

by wannaliveindeansdimples



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, Coma, Domestic Castiel/Dean Winchester, Friends to Lovers, Head Injury, Heavy Angst, M/M, Mild Smut, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-03-23
Packaged: 2018-05-28 12:21:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6328957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wannaliveindeansdimples/pseuds/wannaliveindeansdimples
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Cas have been best friends since always, but they've only been husbands for a month and a half when a car accident nearly destroys Dean's whole world. </p><p>Based on the art <a href="http://powerbottomsammywinchester.tumblr.com/post/141520297770/art-made-for-the-destiel-reverse-bang-dont">"Broken or Cracked, Some How Out of Place"</a> by PowerBottomSammyWinchester</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Extreme Measures

**Author's Note:**

> I did exactly no medical research before writing this fic. Do not take these events as medically possible, plausible or any other medical anything. The medical side of this fic is based around the fact that traumatic brain injuries are unpredictable and sometimes people don’t wake up when they should (and vice versa). The only reason that I know what a NEM order is has nothing to do with research for this fic and everything to do with the fact that my grandmother thought she’d signed a NEM and had actually signed a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) which means, if you code (crash in some way, heart rate, etc), they let you. With a NEM, they don’t let you code, but they don’t put you on life support once they’ve got your heart pumping again, either. I also did no legal research for this fic. Basically, it’s a work of complete fiction, so if you have knowledge that none of this is possible, well, there aren’t really demons walking around, either (that you know of), so let’s pretend this is how it works in the au I’ve created, okay? If Ross on Friends can be a paleontologist and a moron, I think you can give me this. ;) ♥
> 
> Those of you who are regulars will note that this is not my normal fare. I don’t know where this came from, all I know is that I saw that picture by PBSW and I went to a lake to seek oneness with nature and this is what happened when I went to write about both. What with having the flu for almost 3 weeks straight, it was a lot more rushed than I'd hoped, so I hope I did it justice. ♥ 
> 
> Special shout-out to my favorite Moose, for her moral support beta reading. *schmoops your face*

He stared out over the mostly placid water, the soft, bright blue of the sky reflecting on its surface and hiding its depths. The wind created ripples further out, but the ten yards or so closest to him were glass flat and gorgeous. The color reminded him of eyes he couldn't bear to think about.

In the distance, no louder than the nearby buzzing of a bee, he could hear families talking, birds chirping, traffic, and the occasional splash of a duck searching for food. The wind felt like a caress against the bare skin of his legs as it made the fine hairs there dance and sway.

He drank it all in. And why not? It was the last day, after all. After this, there would be no more lakes or families or ducks for him. Only the darkness of death or whatever else might come after. He ignored the traitorous part of him that wished the lake was blue eyes instead. That he was here with the owner of them. That the last day wasn't necessary.

He let the wind and warmth soothe him for a long time. He basked in its simplicity as a far off dog aired a grievance with the world. He watched lazy tendrils of a drying water plant waft in the breeze where it was caught on a small tree jutting from the lake. Today was nearly perfect. He'd do well to forget any and all regrets. The time for those was past. His decision was made.

Life would go on tomorrow, but it would do so with him.

~@~

_Three Months Ago_

“Cas! Cas? You here? There you are!” Dean called as he climbed up the back steps and into the small kitchen. “Guess what, man? I got it!”

The smile that broke across Cas’ face then made Dean’s heart almost stop beating. “Dean, that’s wonderful! I knew you would, though. You never give yourself credit for how smart—”

“I love you.” Dean hadn’t been aware he was going to say it out loud, but he’d felt it building in his chest. Years of friendship had finally just coalesced inside him, into a hot ball of pressure that was screaming those words and he’d been helpless against them when they pressed forward and out.

Cas’ blue eyes seemed to bulge out as his lids flew wide. His mouth hung open and then he managed a small, breathy, “What?”

Dean struggled to come up with an excuse, to make this awkward moment dissolve, so they could go back to being best friends and forget this terrible, friendship-destroying moment had ever happened. He tried to say anything at all, but he could only stare helplessly at Cas, tears forming in his eyes as he waited for rejection.

Cas stepped closer, gaze scanning Dean’s face. “Dean? Do you—did you mean that? You... you love me?”

Dean blinked, swallowed, then nodded slowly, transfixed by that blue gaze. Cas stepped even closer and Dean forgot how to breathe.

“Good,” Cas whispered. “I love you too.”

That made Dean’s tongue work again. “Yeah?”

Cas nodded.

“H-how long?”

“Years. Fuck, so many years, Dean.”

Dean chuckled. “Yeah, I think same here.”

“So what are we... I mean, what does this mean? For us?”

“Well, I think....” Dean scratched his head. “I think we just keep on being us, except now, maybe I get to kiss you and hold your hand and... um, stuff.” Dean could feel the blush spread across his skin like a rash. The smile Cas gave him was worth all the embarrassment, though.

“I like _stuff_ , Dean. I’ve wanted to do _stuff_ with you for a long, long time.” Cas stepped close enough that Dean could smell his aftershave. “In fact, I vote we get started right now.”

He’d been dreaming of tasting those plump pink lips forever, but the reality was so much sweeter. They were soft and warm and he felt arousal zing through him to the tips of his toes. A tug low in his belly told him his erection would soon be aching from the intensity of his wanting.

“Fuck, Cas,” he whispered against Cas’ mouth.

“That was... more intense than I expected.”

“Yeah. You can say that again.”

Instead of repeating his words, Cas repeated the kiss. It was slow and tender at times, fevered and fierce at others. The laps of Cas’ tongue against his own seemed to touch him other places, as if Cas was somehow licking his whole body at once, igniting a fire beneath his skin from stem to stern.

“Why did we wait so long to do this?” Cas breathed against his mouth. “We’re so stupid, Dean. Fuck, I love you so much. You have no idea.”

“Got a pretty good idea, sweetheart. Kiss me again.”

They kissed for what might have been minutes or could have been weeks. Dean really didn’t know or care. All he knew was that finally, _finally_ , he was touching Cas and Cas was touching him back and it was everything he’d ever hoped for.

His whole life, mostly what Dean had done between the sheets was fuck. Even during the rare times he’d had a relationship, he never seemed to end up with the tenderness he craved. He’d try to go slow, be gentle, and the other person would take control and roughen things up.

What he and Cas did, once kissing turned into making out and stripping by agonizingly slow degrees, was make love. Cas took the lead, took control, just as all Dean’s past lovers had. The difference lay in what he did with it once he had it. Instead of quickening the pace, or turning sweet into dirty, Cas slowed down even further, got even gentler. He worshiped Dean from head to toe, driving Dean to the brink of ecstasy over and over without ever quite letting him reach it. Then he sank inside Dean and slowly and methodically rode them both into oblivion.

~@~

_Present_

“Mr. Winchester, for what it’s worth, I think you’re doing the right thing here. I know you really aren’t being given much choice, but if you had had a choice, this would have been the one I advised you to take. I hope you can see that someday.”

“Doc, I hope you won’t be offended if I ask you to please shut the fuck up.” Dean’s voice was thick with unshed tears. There was no _right_ here. There was nothing but wrong and anyone who couldn’t see that was a fool.

Dr. Barnes bit her lips together and nodded. “All right. Well, let me know when you’re ready. I’ll step outside, give you a few minutes.”

Dean ignored her, eyes focused on the unmoving figure on the bed in front of him. He wished with everything that he was that he could see those eyes open, just one more time. But of course, they wouldn’t open. That was why he was here today. To shut down the incessant beeping of the life support that kept Cas’ empty earthly vessel running when the command center had given up the ghost.

“This was a pretty shitty thing to do, Cas. A “No Extreme Measures” order? When you’ve got me listed as next of kin? Sure, you never thought something like this would really happen, but come on, man!” Dean stood from where he’d been sitting and paced, hands digging furrows in his hair. “How can you expect me to just unplug you? You’ve still got brain activity, though. You’re not braindead, but I gotta shut all this down because you had a legal order that someone missed the first time!”

Dean realized he was shouting and took a deep breath, sitting down again and taking Cas’ hand. He stroked his thumb across the once-tan knuckles, trying to will Cas to squeeze back, even a little. If that happened, Dean would fight this stupid order and forget his plan to end it all. But there was no response.

He stood again. He stepped up to the head of the bed and bent down, planting a lingering tender kiss in the center of Cas’ forehead. He brushed through Cas’ unruly mop for what would be the last time and felt a sob threatening to rip its way out of him. His eyes burned and he couldn’t stop the tears that fell on his best friend’s—his husband’s—face.

“I love you, Cas. Never gonna stop. Tomorrow, guess we’re gonna both know if there’s anything to that life after death shit, huh?”

That was all he could manage before the tears and sobs broke free and shook through and out of him, like a hurricane from inside his body. He didn’t know how long he cried, but once he had himself under control, he kissed Cas one more time. Then he walked to the door and opened it, waving Dr. Barnes inside.

“Let’s get this over with.”

~@~

_Two Months Ago_

“Cas? You in here, buddy?” Dean stepped through the bedroom doorway and spotted him, standing beside the mirror. “There you are. What’s going on, man? You coming downstairs or what?”

“Dean, are we doing the right thing?” He evidently saw the look of utter panic that started over Dean’s features to match the utter panic Dean felt at the question because he immediately held up his hands. “You know I don’t mean it like that! I just mean, everybody is telling us we’re crazy and most of them aren’t even here and—”

“Cas. I’ve known you forever. Maybe we only just now figured out what we are, but that doesn’t mean we haven’t been this already for a long time.” He stepped closer and straightened his fiance’s tie. “Haven’t we always figured things out together? Haven’t we always made it work? We waited long enough. People will come around when they see this isn’t just a whim.”

Cas gave him that smile that never failed to do things to Dean’s insides. Then he nodded. “You’re right. Let’s go get married.”

“Hm, I dunno... you’re looking pretty hot in that suit.”

“ _Dean_....” Cas held up his hands again, this time to try and hold Dean back.

“I think I might need to test the goods again one more time before I can be sure I wanna get hitched to you for all eternity.” He advanced as he spoke, getting up close and personal with Cas and his suit. “You’re not exactly a blushing bride, and I gotta be sure I’m getting my money’s worth.” He punctuated his words with kisses to Cas’ neck and stealthily undone buttons.

Cas’ response was to grab Dean’s face in both hands and kiss the daylights out of him. They were clearly going to be late to their own wedding. Well, lat _er_ , technically. Dean was too busy making fast and dirty love to his best friend to mind too much, or even notice. The guests were not so oblivious, but they didn’t mention the disheveled states of the grooms when they finally made their way downstairs.

The JoP did not look pleased, but he was being paid and he was still in the time frame he’d been booked for, so he couldn’t exactly complain. He cleared his throat loudly and started to read silently.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here to join these two men in matrimony. Dean, Cas, I will read to you now from a Native American wedding prayer. At the end, you will take your vows together.”

The Justice of the Peace read out the prayer:

_This day let me take your health as my health;_

_Tomorrow I will take your sickness as my sickness;_

_This day we will join our lives together;_

_Tomorrow we will weave them into a new life;_

_Let no bitter word enter into our dwelling;_

_Let no bitter thoughts enter our minds;_

_Let us vow to always watch out for one another;_

_Let us promise to hold each other dear until the Great Spirit comes for us;_

_Today I pledge all that I have and may gain or lose, to you, my love;_

_Forever and throughout all time, I am yours._

~@~

“A week is all we got. Seven days of wedded bliss and you have to go out on assignment for a month.” Dean was angry, so his voice was raised, even though he wasn’t angry at Cas.

“I know it isn’t fair, Dean, but please don’t make this harder than it already is. You think I want to go?” Cas sounded sad and tired and defeated, as if maybe he’d fought against the assignment all day to no avail.

“No, I know, sweetheart, I’m not mad at you. I didn’t mean for it to sound like that. I’m just gonna miss you so bad.” He hugged Cas to him and kissed his temple. “I only just got you and now I gotta give you away. It sucks, is all.” He kissed Cas’ mouth, firmly. “But I’m gonna stop being a big baby and we’re going out to dinner.”

Cas looked stricken. “My flight leaves in two hours.”

“Well, then,” Dean said, embracing his optimism instead of letting his crushing disappointment show. “I guess we’ll be eating at that place in the airport. They make killer burgers.” He smiled and hugged Cas close again.

~@~

_Present_

He waited, and so did Pamela Barnes, MD. They didn’t speak and they didn’t look at each other. They both watched Cas. She had sent all the nurses from the room once the plug was pulled. Dean could have sent her away, maybe, even though it was likely against all sorts of regulations, but he hadn’t wanted to. He needed someone else to help him witness the passing of the bright light that had been Castiel Novak-Winchester.

“It should only be a few minutes now. Would you like to wait outside or—”

“I’ll stay.” Dean didn’t even let Dr. Barnes finish.

The beeping had stopped when the cords were unplugged, but the silence was no relief. Cas was as silent as if he was already dead. He looked peaceful, like he might wake up at any second, but they couldn’t wait for that, all because Cas had signed that stupid NEM. Cas’ wish was to be unplugged. Actually, his wish had been to never be plugged in the first place, but still.

Dean watched as Cas’ chest rose and fell, so very slowly. Each time, Dean expected it to be the last. Dean held his own breath in anticipation of that moment, but eventually he had to breathe again, however little he wanted to. He didn’t feel the urge to cry yet, which surprised him. He supposed he’d be overcome again once Cas’ chest had fallen for the last time.

Dean started to fidget in his seat. He felt a wash a guilt as he realized that he was bored. He was watching the love of his life leave this mortal coil and he was bored out of his mind. He’d expected it to be more dramatic—or at least faster. All that build up. All those earlier tears. And now, Cas kept on breathing, as if Dean wasn’t sitting there, waiting for the pain to start so that he could go home and end it for good.

“Dean, I should warn you.” Dr. Barnes finally turned to look at him. “While it usually only takes a few minutes for people to succumb once the ventilator has been switched off, sometimes it takes a bit longer. It’s been fifteen minutes now—”

Dean glanced at his watch in disbelief, but the doctor was right.

“—and while it may only be a few more, Cas’ body could also linger for several more hours before his breathing and heart stop. I just... I don’t want you to get your hopes up. All right?”

Dean nodded, numb to the point of barely understanding her words. Cas wasn’t going to go quietly, even though that’s what he’d specifically wanted. _Dammit_. He made the decision to stay. However long it took, he would be by Cas’ side when he died. He reached out and took Cas’ hand. He’d been afraid to before, but now it seemed right.

A page for the doctor went out over the intercom.

“I can text them, see if that’s urgent?” It was clear from her voice she’d rather go.

Dean shook his head. “No, go take care of it. I’ll be here. I’ll come get someone if....” He swallowed hard.

She squeezed his shoulder and nodded, leaving him alone.

~@~

_Three weeks ago_

“Don’t suppose you’re getting out of there any sooner?”

Cas laughed into the phone. “Dean, I’ve barely been gone a week. I still have to teach all these people the software system.”

“Yeah, but how long does that really take? You could totally put them through a speed course.”

He was mostly joking, but he wanted Cas back _yesterday_. He’d been away before, but he wasn’t _Dean’s_ then. Dean was usually thankful during those times, for the reprieve from the longing. Now he didn’t have to long when Cas was here and when he was away, it meant a return to it. A painful, unwelcome return to pining.

“Dean, it’s a very complicated system.” There was still amusement in his voice and something like fond exasperation. “It’s probably going to take me the full four weeks.” He dropped his voice to a whisper, even though he was in a hotel room. “They’re also not very smart.”

Dean snorted. “Yeah, yeah. Just get back to me soon, okay?”

“As soon as I’m able.”

Dean could hear the smile in his voice.

~@~

_One week ago_

Dean was trying to get home for his nightly phone call with Cas, but he also knew Sam needed him right now. Ruby had turned out to be bad news—which Dean did not point out he had tried to warn Sam about—and Sam was pretty turned around over it. As Sam explained exactly how he had found out Ruby was no good, Dean quietly sent Cas a text letting him know he might be a bit late for their call.

When the phone rang ten minutes later, Dean didn’t even look at the caller ID before picking up.

“Hey, babe, didn’t you get my text?”

“Is this Dean Winchester?” asked a voice he didn’t recognize.

“Yeah, who’s this?” He was instantly on alert.

“This is St. Mercy’s Hospital. We have you listed as the Next of Kin for a Castiel Novak.”

Dean’s blood turned to ice and he looked at his brother helplessly as he struggled to listen to what the nurse had to say.

“—mobile accident. He was life-flighted to our facility about an hour ago.”

“Wait, no, but he’s supposed to be at work right now. He can’t be in Lawrence. It can’t be him.” Dean’s brain willed it all to be a misunderstanding, prayed for his words to be right.

“We verified his identification with his driver’s license, Mr. Winchester. I can’t tell you why he was in Lawrence, but we are reasonably certain of his identity.” Her voice was sympathetic, as if she thought feeling bad for him was some consolation for the bottom of his world dropping out.

He covered the phone for a second and told a worried looking Sam, “Cas was in an accident. He’s at St. Mercy’s. Life-flighted.”

He realized the nurse was talking again and tried to pay attention.

“—done all they can for now, but he’s not currently conscious. His physical injuries aren’t too severe, but his head trauma was acute. They’ve got him in the ICU, on life support right now. You can come and see him. Room one twenty-six.”

“O-okay. Thank you.”

He looked at Sam, stunned.

“Let’s go. I’ll drive,” Sam said.

Dean followed him numbly.

~@~

_Present_

After Pam left, Dean watched Cas’s chest rise and fall, rise and fall. He waited, each time, for it to slow down and then stop, but it didn’t. He hadn’t noticed any change at all in Cas’s breathing. He remembered Pam’s words and didn’t get his hopes up, but it hurt.

“God, Cas, why can’t you just wake up, baby? Why’d you have to go and crash your car? You weren’t even supposed to be home for a week!”

He’d said all these things before. To Cas. To Sam. To himself in the empty bedroom where he was supposed to sleep next to his best friend until... well, now, he guessed. Until death. And Cas was dying.

“Aw, _fuck_.”

He was crying again. He’d been trying to deal with it, but it just hurt so goddamned much. He’d barely gotten any time to be with Cas in a real relationship. Why had they wasted so much time trying to hide what they felt? He could have had all those days with Cas, if only he hadn’t been too stupid. And now it was too late. For everything.

“You fucking bastard. Why are you leaving me?”

He got up and paced for a few minutes, doing his best to get his breathing under control. He managed to stop crying. Then he wiped his eyes and nose with some tissues he found on a table in the corner. He looked over at Cas, lying there. Realized he might never feel those lips again. Knew, suddenly, that he had to, at least once more.

“Wake up, Sleeping Beauty,” Dean whispered as he leaned down. He brushed his lips over Cas’s, pleased that they were still as warm and soft as he remembered, if not responsive.

He stood back up and—when he realized he was waiting for a miracle—started to cry all over again.

~@~

_Four days ago_

“What the hell do you mean you’re taking him off life support? I’m his goddamned next of kin!”

Sam, who’d been sitting next to him on the couch when Dr. Barnes called, reached out a calming hand to his shoulder. His eyebrows were drawn together and the corners of his mouth looked like they were melting. Dean noticed all of that instead of what the doctor was telling him.

“—has a ‘No Extreme Measures’ order in his file. It was overlooked the night of the accident, but—”

“But nothing! I don’t care what kind of order he’s got! He’s not being taken off life support! I’m his fucking _husband_!”

The doctor was quiet for a beat. “Mr. Winchester, do you have power of attorney for Mr. Novak, in the event that he is incapacitated?” Her voice was calm, like she knew the answer.

“I need power of attorney to decide whether or not my husband _dies_ , is that what you’re telling me?”

Dr. Barnes sighed. “What I am telling you is that, unless you have Power of Attorney, this order supersedes your status as his spouse. I’m sorry. He should never have been put on life support in the first place. We only learned about it because his attorney notified us to—”

“I want their number!”

Two hours later, he had not convinced the attorney to ignore Cas’s legally binding wishes, but he’d gotten her to agree to give him ninety-six hours to try and fight the order.

“Mist—Dean.” Her voice was far more sympathetic than the doctor’s, to his ear. “I know that these are difficult circumstances. Because of your newlywed status, I won’t push for this before you have time to try and get power of attorney or even get the order overturned.” She sighed. “But I do want to say this. I’ve known Cassie a long time. He was adamant that he did not want to be kept alive on machines.”

She told him how long he had and then she hung up, leaving him alone to figure out what the hell he was going to do. Sam had left, but the case of beer he brought over was still there. Dean decided step one of his action plan was to get completely shitfaced drunk. Step two was calling Cas’s voicemail and listening to his ridiculously clueless recording over and over until he cried himself to sleep.

~@~

_Present_

“Hey. Is it...?”

“Over? Ha,” Dean said in a mockery of a laugh, his mouth twisting bitterly around the sound. “Not even close. They pulled the plug four hours ago, but he’s still hanging on. You’d think, if he was in such an all-fired hurry to kick it that he got that fucking _order_ —” Dean forced himself to stop talking as he realized his voice was reaching decibel levels known to cause hearing loss. “Sorry. You’d think he wouldn’t have lingered when he was taken off support, but here he is. Chest rising and falling like he doesn’t know he wanted to fucking leave me.” This time his voice was barely a whisper and there were thick tears in it.

“Well, maybe it’s a good sign, right? I mean, he could—”

“Don’t, Sam. Please just don’t. The doctor told me I shouldn’t get my hopes up and I’m not going to. I fucking _can’t_ get my hopes up, okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay, I’m sorry. About all of it, man. You want me to come over? Sit with you until... until?” Sam seemed unable to say the phrase Dean didn’t want to hear and that was good. “I can bring food or something.”

“No, I don’t—actually, yeah, man. That would really help. I honestly don’t think I can do this on my own much longer. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is killing me.” Realizing his choice of words, he grimaced. “Fuck. This is a really fucked up situation, you know that?”

“I know, Dean. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

~@~

When Sam got there, he had a bag of burgers and fries, plus milkshakes from their favorite burger dive, beloved since they were kids. Dean had a hard few minutes when he thought about how they were Cas’s favorites too, and he wouldn’t get to eat them anymore, but Sam rubbed his back while he cried it out and they were able to eat in relative peace.

For days, it went on like that. Dean would spend the majority of his time in the hospital room and Sam would come over with food as soon as he was able to get off work. Sometimes other people came by during the day. Every single one had had the same initial hopes as Sam. Every one had been shot down with increasing defensiveness by Dean.

The seventh day was different. For one thing, Dr. Barnes was waiting in the room when Dean arrived at six in the morning. That in itself was highly unusual. He’d only seen her a handful of times since the initial plug-pulling night.

“What’s up, doc?” He didn’t even smile at his own lame attempt to lighten the mood.

“Good morning, Mist—”

“I think at this point, you can call me Dean.”

The small smile transformed her whole face. “Dean. I hesitate to say what I’m about to say. I don’t know how well received it will be. I know you’ve had rather a roller-coaster over the past couple of weeks.” She sighed and Dean stayed silent, waiting. “What I said the other day, I meant. About not wanting you to get your hopes up. However, at this point, now that he’s survived, without any appreciable worsening of his condition, I think we need to consider the possibility that—”

“Bottom line it for me, Doc, I haven’t had my coffee yet.”

He was too broken at the moment for long-winded explanations. He was barely hanging on as it was. Every single day it was harder to imagine never talking to Cas again. Every day made it feel more like it was time for Cas to call, like he’d been on an extended work thing, out of cell service, and he’d be calling in at any second.

“Have you been speaking to him at all? Holding his hand?”

“Of course, I have.”

She nodded. “I assumed, but... anyway, that’s good. Do that as much as you can. I’m not promising you a miracle here, or even telling you one is likely, but... we have to allow for the possibility of one, is what I mean to say.”

Dean felt like he might throw up. Instead, he nodded quietly and waited for her to leave before texting Sam and everyone else he knew. If this whole thing had taught him anything, it was that he could not do this without backup. Dean Winchester had learned to ask for what he needed. Cas would never believe it.

And just like that, he was back to crying, as he texted Bobby and Charlie and Sam and a couple of other people, telling them what the doctor had said and asking them for their presence and their support.

When Bobby showed up less than an hour later, he and Dean shared a hug that was mainly composed of back slaps hard enough to leave bruises on lesser men. Dean was grateful for it.

“How you doing, boy?”

“Not great, Bobby. Actually, I think maybe I need to take some time, away from Cas, to regroup.”

“Well, o’course you do. You been spending all your time in here?”

Dean half expected a cuff on the head, but it didn’t come. “Not all my time. I’ve left for meals and showers. I even checked in at the office once.”

Bobby looked at him and Dean suddenly realized where Sam had learned his classic “sick of your shit” face. “Boy, that’s not enough.”

Dean held up his hands in supplication. “Bobby, I know, all right? I get that. That’s what I’m saying to you right now. I need to get out of here... but somebody needs to stay with Cas.”

“So, I just talk to him?”

“You could hold his hand,” Dean says, half joking, but the look Bobby gives him is serious.

“Human touch is really important to recovery, kid. Won’t bother me a bit.” Then Bobby smirked. “Unless of course you’re jealous.” He raised his eyebrows in a taunt. “You worried your fella might wake up and realize he can do better?”

Dean laughed for the first time in weeks. He felt, for the first time, like he might be all right.

When he got home a little while later, though, he didn’t feel so optimistic.

Cas still wasn’t awake. Dr. Barnes wanted him to prepare for the possibility that Cas _might_ still wake up, but he hadn’t woken up _yet_ and she didn’t want Dean getting his hopes up that Cas _would_. It was so many variables Dean couldn’t control.

He went into the kitchen he and Cas had shared as husbands for too short a time and took down the bottle of whiskey. It was too early in the day, but Dean didn’t care. He poured himself just a small bit and downed it like a shot. He let the burn do its magic. He wasn’t looking to get drunk. He just needed the nerve-calming affects that had once made brandy such a popular drink.

As the heat settled, he did feel a little calmer. He thought back to a week before, when he’d been planning to come home after pulling Cas’s plug and metaphorically pull his own. He still had the pills he’d been planning to take, sitting next to his bed. He went in and picked them up, looking at them as if for the first time. He took them to the medicine cabinet and put them back where they belonged.

Dean went back to the bedroom and lay down on the bed on his side, pulling Cas’s pillow toward him. To his surprise, it still smelled a bit like Cas and that weird organic honey shampoo he always insisted on buying. He wrapped his arms around it, wishing with every part of his being that it was a living, breathing man with blue eyes like a windy lake on a clear day.

~@~

When he woke up a few hours later, feeling more rested than he had in two weeks, Dean took a shower and grabbed a quick sandwich. He headed back to the hospital, feeling like he knew what he had to do. He didn’t have any missed calls or texts, so he figured the status quo hadn’t shifted at all and that was good.

The door was open when he got to Cas’s room and he could see Sam inside, alone by the bed and holding Cas’s hand. Dean didn’t want to intrude, but when he stepped forward, the door made no noise as it opened and he could hear Sam’s words.

“You need to come back, is what I’m saying. My brother... you’re it for him, man. Like I know he’s it for you. And he can’t... I mean, he _could_ , but he _won’t_ make it without you. He won’t get over you. So you gotta wake up, all right? And, you know, you’re my friend too. My brother in law, which is still weird to me.”

Sam laughed at that and Dean took the opportunity to knock, belatedly, pretending he hadn’t heard a thing.

“Hey, Sammy.” He walked over and put a hand on his brother’s shoulder, squeezing in a silent thank you. “Bobby and Charlie still around or did they go home?”

“They’re in the cafeteria, I think. Said they’d be back—” He checked his watch. “—in about twenty more minutes.” He let go of Cas and stood, stretching out his back until it cracked in several places.

“Damn, how long you been sitting there?”

Sam shrugged. “Couple hours, I guess. Not as long as you have lately.”

“Actually, I walk around a lot. It’s hard to just sit there and look at him, you know? Um, can you go meet up with Bobby and Charlie for a while, though?” Dean awkwardly cleared his throat. “There’s something I kinda wanna tell him in private.”

“Of course! Yeah, I’ll head down there and we’ll come back up in about twenty minutes. Or do you need more time?”

“Nah, that’s plenty. I just gotta get this out, even if he can’t hear me, you know?”

“Yeah, man. All right. Back in a bit.” Sam pulled him into a tight but brief hug with even harder back slapping than the one he’d given Bobby.

Then Dean was alone with Cas again.

He sat down and took Cas’s hand in both of his, stroking its lines with his fingertips. This wasn’t something he normally did, but he’d decided to commit to this possibility thing. He wrapped their fingers together and moved his other hand over to Cas’s stomach, resting it lightly while his fingers stroked against the blanket.

“This has been hard, Cas. All of it. From the second I got the call, it’s been a nightmare.” He closed his eyes and sighed. “When I decided not to fight the NEM... the truth is, I didn’t wanna live in a world without you in it. I was gonna go home and kill myself after we pulled the plug.” He laughed a little. “But you didn’t go quietly, like you wanted. And now... well, you’re still here. So I gotta figure that maybe you’re hanging on because you weren’t as ready to go as you thought. I gotta hope that’s true. That maybe you’re in there somewhere.”

The tears surged up again, but there was something behind them other than grief this time.

“I love you, Cas. Always have. Always will. And Sam was right. I don’t think I can do this whole life thing without you. So what I need for you to do, if you can hear me, is I need you to wake the fuck up, all right?” His voice was thick with the still unshed tears. “They—the doctors and nurses—don’t know why you haven’t died. Or why you haven’t woken up, for that matter. But they told me this morning that there’s maybe a chance you’re still in there. You aren’t brain dead, so maybe you’ve been in there this whole time. I’m sorry if I haven’t been as... affectionate as I should’ve. I’ve tried.”

A sob slipped through his defenses, but he kept on talking.

“I was just too scared. I’ve been so damned mad at you, Cas, but I swear, if you just open your damned gorgeous blue eyes and wake up, I’ll forgive you. For everything I’ve ever been mad about. For your weird bee obsession, and your stupid granola cereal that tastes like rocks, and the way your refuse to take Gas-X even though you know what the broccoli is gonna do to you, and the way you tried to leave me.”

This time, the tears were choking him and he had to stop for a moment to get himself under control.

“I love you, baby. Just wake up, all right?” He couldn’t get it out above a whisper, but he hoped it was loud enough for Cas to hear.

He wiped his eyes and stood up. He did his best to get himself presentable, chatting with Cas as he did so. He used some more of the tissues from the table in the corner, then went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on his face.

If he had been living in a movie, when he got back into the main room, Cas would have woken up after that impassioned speech and be staring at him. He hadn’t really expected it, but when he got back to find Cas’s eyes still closed, he realized he had hoped. Still, he didn’t let it discourage him. If it had been going to happen overnight, it already would have.

He went and sat back down by the bed, and started telling Cas about the status of the car restoration business. The same restoration outfit he’d gotten the small business loan for on the day he’d accidentally confessed his feelings to his best friend. He’d only gotten it up and running a few weeks before the wedding, so there was a lot that Cas needed to be caught up on. Dean was beyond grateful that he had a manager in place who could run things in his absence. Benny had been happy to help, and kept telling Dean to take all the time he needed, even though Dean knew the guy had his own life he was missing out on.

When the door clicked open in front of Bobby, Charlie, and Sam, Dean realized he’d been talking for a lot longer than twenty minutes. Checking his phone showed he was right. He opened his mouth to give them shit about it, but then he saw Charlie’s hands and laughed instead.

“That for me, Red?”

“It’s a pie, Dean. Would I bring pie that wasn’t for you? I like my face the way it is.” She was smirking the whole time she talked.

Dean pulled her in for a hug, ignoring the fact that because of the pie she couldn’t hug back. Then he kissed her on the head, took the pie, and set it down on the table nearby. Sam brought over plates and utensils. They were all plastic, but Dean didn’t care. He could use a little pick me up.

“Holy—it’s still warm, Charlie!” He turned and pointed at her. “You’re a queen.”

“Well, I really can’t take all the credit. Sam saw the place, I suggested checking to see if they had pecan for you, and Bobby paid for it. It was a group project.”

He laughed again and started cutting up slices of pie. He gave everyone a small sliver, taking a similar size for himself, to their surprise. When he took a bite, he groaned.

“Damn!” he said, mouth still half full. “That is the best fucking—”

“Dean?”

The voice was quiet and rough, but it was like a rifle shot in the room. Dean whipped around and stared into blue, blue eyes he hadn’t seen in person in over a month.

Dean was across the room in an instant, nearly tripping in his haste to reach the bed.

“Cas?” His own voice was barely there. “Hey, baby! How you feelin’?” Dean’s hands wandered over him, as if checking him for injuries, even though he knew Cas had none.

“Wh’app’ned? ‘M I sick?” He was obviously still groggy, but his eyes were clear. “Why’m I here?”

“Um, you were in an accident. You knocked your head pretty good.”

Cas looked confused for a minute, then upset. “Got done early. Was tryin’ t’surprise you. S’prise,” he said, with a sheepish smile.

Dean burst into tears and pulled Cas to him.

“Dean?”

But Dean couldn’t speak for the moment.

“Hey, son. We just dropped by to keep Dean company and lend moral support into wishing you awake, but it looks like maybe we should leave you two alone,” Bobby said, walking close.

Dean pulled back and wiped is eyes. “Don’t go far. I just....” He struggled to control his breathing. “Just need a minute or two, to explain what’s going on, all right?”

“Kid, you two need some time. We can come back later.” Bobby’s voice was kind but firm.

“Yeah, don’t need us cock blocking you, amirite?” Charlie teased, complete with elbow nudge and the worst wink Dean had ever seen.

“Gross, Charlie. He’s my brother, remember?” Sam moved her out of the way and hugged Dean, then Cas. “We’ll be back by later. You’d both better be dressed.”

Dean snorted, tears fading for the moment. Then they were all gone and Cas was looking at him, confused again.

“How long’ve I been here?”

“Two weeks.” Dean’s voice hitched, but he got his words out. “They put you on life support, but your lawyer found out and told them you had that NEM, so they made me unplug you and they said you weren’t gonna make it.” Dean stiffened. “Shit, I gotta tell the doctor!”

“Dean, ‘m so sorry. Meant to tell you, but—”

“Doesn’t matter, Cas. I promised you, if you woke up, I wouldn’t be mad about anything.”

Cas looked at him strangely then. “Dreamed you saying that.”

Dean smiled a little. “Wasn’t a dream, baby. Sat right here and said it.” He surged forward and pressed his lips to Cas’s, then pulled back just far enough to speak. “I love you.” Then he sat all the way back. “But your coma breath is atrocious, dude.”

“Asshole,” Cas chided, but he was chuckling as he said it. “Get the doctor and ‘s get this over with.”

When Dean went to stand up, though, Cas put a weak hand on his arm. “Love you too, Dean.”

~@~

_One Month Later_

“Come on, guys, hurry up!” Charlie yelled as she ran through the kitchen on her way to the back yard.

“Why are we doing this again?”

“You almost died, Cas.”

“So? Why does that mean we have to have a barbecue with a bunch of people who didn’t want to come to our wedding?” Cas asked, pouting.

Dean sighed and pulled Cas close. “So we can rub it in their faces how dumb they are and then we can leave the party early to go upstairs and have sex.”

Cas kissed him, long and deep, then pulled back with a sly grin. “Can we do that in reverse?”

“Cas, you know we can’t—”

Dean was interrupted by the rolling of Cas’s hips.

“Fuck. You don’t play fair.”

“I almost died, Dean.”

“You make a good point. Race you?”

He was up the stairs without waiting for an answer, but when he reached their room, Cas was there to push him inside and shut the door behind them. He shoved Dean up against the door and mouthed at his neck. Soon they were in a state of partial undress and—because Charlie evidently figured out what they were up to and admonished them with harsh knocking and harsher words to “At least hurry it the fuck up”—sex turned out to be hurried handjobs and sloppy kisses, with sappy words from both sides.

As they walked back downstairs and outside, looking only slightly disheveled considering what they’d been getting up to, Dean looked around at his friends and family and then at Cas. He was grateful for miracles.

Cas knew what Dean had planned to do, if Cas hadn’t woken up, and he’d made Dean promise he’d never consider that route again. In exchange, Dean had made Cas agree to go to his lawyer’s office and have the NEM revoked, so that, in the unlikely even that this ever came up again, Dean would get to decide when it was time to let go.

Dean figured a day would come when he stopped treating Cas like his every breath was a gift, but that day wasn’t today or any time soon. For now, he was ecstatic every time he got to see those blue eyes. He hoped that never changed.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! My next novel is out; are you following [my author blog](http://jamiedeanwrites.tumblr.com)? 
> 
> Tell me all the things*! ♥♥♥
> 
>  
> 
> * ~~but seriously do not be an asshole~~


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